Starry Night
by justanaveragewriter1
Summary: Remus Lupin doesn't trust himself. But maybe Sirius Black can help. As Voldemort's forces gain strength in the world, the Marauders end up stuck at Hogwarts for Christmas. It's going to be a holiday they'll always remember, if only Remus can let true love run its course. This is a story about learning to trust, coming to terms with yourself, and the night sky. UPDATES WEEKLY!
1. Chapter 1

_I'm not scared of the dark_

_I'm not running, running, running_

_No, I'm not afraid of the fall_

_I'm not scared, not at all_

_Why would a star, a star ever be afraid of the dark?_

Remus Lupin looked up from his notes and sighed.

He stood up, stretching his legs, and walked over to look out the window of the Gryffindor common room.

Snow flurried outside, blanketing the grounds with sparkling white, and students milled about, laughing and throwing snowballs.

It was nearly Christmas break. Students had already started heading home for the holidays, Peter Pettigrew had left that morning.

Remus felt like the only student in Hogwarts studying.

"Still studying Moony?" echoing his thoughts, a grinning Sirius Black emerged from the staircase leading up to the boys dormitory, and gracefully sank into the striped armchair next to the one Remus had just abandoned.

"I don't know why I'm the _only_ one studying," Remus raised an eyebrow at Sirius and smiled, walking over and settling back into his own chair, the floor around it covered in pages of neatly written, slightly crumpled notes and meticulously bookmarked textbooks, "I seem to recall one of us failing the last charms exam."

"And I forgive you for it Remus," Sirius said with a generous smile, "we can't all be as good at charms as I am."

Remus chucked his textbook at Sirius, but Sirius sent it spinning away with a lazy flick of his wand.

"You know Flitwick's loved me ever since I stopped a cat from eating his owl in third year.

"Wasn't that the same year McGonagall described you in your end of year report as 'shockingly lazy?'"

"She began that sentence with the words 'gifted _but_,'!" Sirius objected, "So if you think about it it was overall complimentary."

Remus rolled his eyes, but the corner of his mouth still curled up in a smile.

"Why aren't you outside with the other Gryffindors?" Remus asked, picking up his Charms notes and quill.

"Maybe there's only one Gryffindor I want to spend time with right now." Sirius winked.

"Flattering," Remus was gazing fixedly at his notes, but a slight blush spread across his cheeks, "but maybe you should go bother James instead. I can't imagine that he's worried about the exams next month."

"All too true. But I've been avoiding him today because he won't shut up about what to get Lily Evans for Christmas to finally convince her to go out with him."

"Perfume?"

"He said it was cliche."

"A necklace."

"Unoriginal."

"New potion vials to replace the ones he knocked off her table in class last week?"

"That's better than what I came up with," Sirius chuckled, "I told him he should buy her spell-o-tape and write 'to repair my broken heart' on it."

"My God, that's awful."

"I know," Sirius smiled gleefully, "and the best part is that I think he might just be desperate enough to try it!"

Remus pointedly shuffled his notes, scratching in a few more lines with his quill.

"I really do need to study Padfoot. Professor McGonagall always says Sixth year marks lay the groundwork for N.E.W.T level work."

"Fine, I'll be quiet, but it's rather comfortable here so don't think I'm moving."

A companionable silence settled between the two of them, interrupted only by the scratching of Remus's quill and the crackling of the fire.

After a quarter of an hour had passed, Remus glanced up. Sirius was sprawled out, somehow elegantly, in the armchair, eyes closed.

"Are you sleeping?" Remus whispered curiously.

"No," Sirius replied instantly, eyes still shut, "just waiting for my stupid friend to finish his entirely unnecessary studying, seeing as he already knows the textbook cold."

"I do not!" Remus objected.

"Fine then, what wizard invented the cheering charm?"

"Oswald Herrington in 1847." Remus replied instantly, then blushed.

"My mistake, you obviously know nothing." Sirius said, grinning mischievously, as he opened his eyes and sat up, "Are you finished then?"

"Probably never." Remus said moodily.

"Even though you know everything."

"I know nothing."

"God, you're really insufferable when it comes to studying. You know that, don't you?"

"I told you you'd have more fun with James."

"Maybe I'm not looking to have fun with James."

Remus felt his face flush.

"I like bringing home good marks for my parents," he said finally, "you know that."

"They really care that much?" Sirius looked skeptical.

Remus was silent for a moment. "Maybe it's not so much that they care, as much as that I care." he said slowly, "I haven't turned out to be the son they were hoping for in a lot of ways…" he looked away from Sirius who was watching him intently, and instead glanced out the window, his gaze fixed on the gently falling snow outside the ice frosted pane, glinting in the late afternoon sun, "I guess...I guess I just want to make them proud in ways I still can."

There was another moment of silence.

"You know that's ridiculous don't you?" Sirius said, sounding annoyed.

Remus still refused to meet his eyes.

"Honestly, I'm being serious," he said hotly, "and look at me!" He reached out and gently tilted Remus's face back up towards his until their eyes met.

"It's impossible for them _not_ to be proud of you. You're funny, and smart, and hard working, and kind. Deeply kind. You're the best of us all and I can't stand it when you refuse to see that in yourself!" He let go of Remus's face, but they remained staring at each other.

After a minute, a blushing Remus shook his head, as though waking up from a dream, and got to his feet, slinging his bag over his shoulder.

"We'd better get to dinner if we want to get any shepherd's pie."

"You're impossible," Sirius growled, "I need to give you lessons in how to take a compliment, because you're supposed to say 'thank you,' or at the very least acknowledge them. Trust me, I'm a highly complimented individual so I know."

The two boys set off down the corridor, the flickering light of torches illuminating the rapidly darkening castle.

Garlands of holly and mistletoe twined around the banisters of the stairs, and the suits of armor shouted out verses of Christmas carols as they passed. If there was one thing Hogwarts excelled at, it was celebrating Christmas in style.

They turned a corner to see Peeves throwing baubles at unsuspecting first years and cackling madly.

"This way," Sirius pushed aside a swinging tapestry to their left as a bauble smashed near their feet, and they dodged inside, avoiding the chaotic corridor.

They entered the Great Hall to the loud clamor of dinner, the smells of heaping platters of food filling the air.

"Over here!" a voice called out from the Gryffindor table, they turned to see James Potter beckoning them over.

"Find a present for Lily then?" Remus inquired, sliding into the seat next to James.

"I suppose Sirius has filled you in on my quest then," James said, glumly heaping mashed potatoes onto his fork, "I honestly think I'm going with the spell-o-tape at this point."

"Hmm," Remus spooned some shepherd's pie onto Sirius's plate first, and then his own, "I think you could do a bit better than tape."

"Got any ideas for me then?"

"Well...isn't the next trip Hogsmeade tomorrow? Maybe we can find something then."

"Yeah, that's right," James brightened, "good idea."

"You won't be too busy studying to come with us?" Sirius turned to Remus, one eyebrow raised.

"Maybe I've studied enough for now." Remus offered a small smile.

"Remus? Done studying?" a laughing voice cut in from behind them.

Remus turned to find himself staring into the striking green eyes of Lily Evans, fellow prefect and James's longtime crush.

"Does that mean you're finally conceding top of the class to me?" she put a hand on her hip and tilted her head to the side, her vivid red hair brushing her shoulder.

"If I conceded what fun would your victory be?" Remus grinned, "you know we'll be tied until the bitter end, at which point Dumbledore will have to cut the Bathilda Bagshot academic excellence award in half and give it to both of us."

"Well I suppose that wouldn't be too bad." Lily winked, "I guess this means you remember the banishing charm?"

"Depulso." Remus shot back.

"Ah well, I'll get the best of you soon." laughing, she walked back to the other end of the table where her friends sat.

"Why didn't you ask her to stay?" James hissed, looking anguished.

"Her friends are sitting over there," Remus calmly continued eating, well used to James's infatuation at this point.

"I thought the two of you being prefects together would be an 'in' for me, but it's been more than a year and still nothing." James said grumpily.

"Ah lay off it James," Sirius poured himself a glass of pumpkin juice, "at least she's civil with you this year. Last year she outright hated you."

James slumped over resting his head on the table, the image of defeat.

"We'd better find something good in Hogsmeade tomorrow."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Welcome to chapter 2! If you're enjoying this story, please leave your comments and thoughts. Reviews feed souls;)**

The previous day's snowfall crunched beneath their feet as they followed the twisting path that led away from the castle and towards the village of Hogsmeade. In the distance, they could just see columns of smoke rising from the chimneys of the bustling village shops.

About halfway there, as James and Sirius bickered about who owned a better broom, Remus's teeth began to chatter. He'd always been sensitive to the cold, a fact he was a bit embarrassed about since, as a werewolf, he thought he should be tougher about such things.

He shoved his hands deeper into the pockets of his cloak, hoping his friends wouldn't notice.

He wished he still had his scarf, but he'd accidentally shredded it the last time he'd transformed into a wolf. He was usually so careful about not being near any of his possessions when he transformed, but it had just been so cold last time he'd been inside the secret rooms in the whomping willow, and he'd thought he'd have enough sense of the oncoming transformation to take the scarf off in time (he hadn't).

Maybe he'd buy a new scarf today in Hogsmeade. He had a few carefully saved sickles with him, but he'd been hoping to use them to buy Christmas presents for James, Sirius, and Peter.

He knew that money was tight for his parents this winter. Nobody wanted to hire the parents of a werewolf, he thought a touch bitterly.

His secret had remained safe at Hogwarts, but the small wizarding community he'd grown up in was too small for it to stay hidden when he'd been bitten by a werewolf as a child.

The stigma of the bite had left his family isolated and poor. His mother's friend group had dwindled, and his father still hadn't gotten the long-awaited promotion he deserved within the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures at the Ministry.

Lost in thought, teeth still chattering, he started when something soft slid around his shoulders, as they turned the corner to enter the village.

Sirius, still arguing with James, had gently draped his crimson wool scarf around Remus's neck.

Remus glanced over at Sirius and smiled.

James pushed the door open to Honeydukes, the warm smell of chocolate and the chattering voices of excited students washing over them.

"D'you think she'd fancy some hearty hearts?" James asked anxiously, examining a heart shaped box of chocolates, "they beat even after you've swallowed them, so maybe it'll remind her of me?"

"Absolutely not," Sirius snatched the box out of his hands and set it back on the display, "who the hell wants their chocolate beating inside their stomach? You have to wonder who invented some of these sweets."

"I d'know," Remus grinned, "I've always been pretty partial to cockroach clusters."

"Well then don't be surprised to find some in your stocking on Christmas morning." Sirius said, smiling wickedly.

James had drifted towards the boxes of acid pops, "you've burned a hole in my heart," he muttered to himself, fingering one thoughtfully.

"And that's also going to be a no," Sirius pulled him away by the hood of his cloak, "I'm going to have to advise you against any displays of love that involve injuring yourself for the sake of Lily's attention. It's not a smooth look."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right," James rumpled his hair into even greater disarray, matching the miserable expression on his face. "I just...I just never thought being in love would feel like this. It's absolutely miserable. She's practically all I can think about, I'm desperate for her to even glance my way, and when I try to fall asleep at night I just end up listing the thousand times I've behaved like an absolute prat in front of her."

"Unfortunately with you, that's a pretty long list," Sirius patted James's shoulder sympathetically, offering him a piece of maple chocolate he'd broken off the display.

James glared at him while Remus laughed.

Sirius paid for a hefty bag of sweets, and they exited the shop, their breath coming in puffs in the clear, bright day.

"Honestly…" James started and then stopped, looking down as they walked towards Zonkos.

"What?" Remus prodded.

"Sometimes I wonder if this is it. If anything will ever happen between me and Lily. This might be as far as our story together gets. Me pining hopelessly after her. Her ignoring me - rightly so - because I am often an absolute idiot, and then that's it. We graduate. Go our separate paths. School memories fading distantly behind us. For the past two years I've been so caught up thinking about the two of us. But sometimes...sometimes I think there might never be a 'two of us.'"

They continued walking, other groups of students milling around them, talking and laughing.

Remus reached over and patted James's shoulder, unsure of what to say.

Lily and James had something of a contentious history. James had fancied her practically since their first year, and had acted on those feelings by showing off and swaggering whenever she was nearby.

It was only in the last few months that he'd become a bit more clear-headed about the whole thing.

They'd all grown up in the past year, really.

Death Eater attacks had grown increasingly frequent over the past year. James's own grandparents had been killed over the summer on their way to the Ministry to testify in a trial against Theodore Nott, a neighbor of theirs who had been placed under arrest and alleged to be a Death Eater. The dark wizard who'd killed them still hadn't been caught.

It was this loss more than anything that had changed James in the past few months. He had loving parents, was good at sports, had always been popular - nearly everything in his life had come easily to him. Confronting his grandparent's death had been one of the first truly difficult things he'd had to encounter in his life, and it had changed him.

He was quieter, more thoughtful. He wrote home to his parents more often. Perhaps most importantly, he'd completely stopped bullying Severus Snape, a fellow sixth-year in Slytherin with whom he'd shared a mutual loathing from the first time they'd set eyes on each other on the Hogwarts express.

In a society marked by fear and violence, perhaps he'd finally realized that he didn't want to add to that hatred. At least, that was Remus's theory.

"Chin up mate," Sirius said sympathetically, "you're much less of an idiot in front of her this year, she's bound to notice that eventually. Besides," he added bracingly, "you've got us marauders - whad'you need a girl for anyways?"

"Hmm I don't know," James said musingly, "maybe for things like snogging? Unless you're offering Padfoot?" he turned to Sirius with a twinkle in his eyes.

"Don't pretend I wouldn't be amazing," Sirius shot back, "but sorry James, I'm just not sure you're my type."

"Well, then who do you like?" James pressed, "practically every girl in the school fancies you. There must be one of them who could meet your ridiculously high standards. Is it Emmeline Vance? Mary Caldwelder?"

Sirius shrugged mysteriously, "Let's just say I've got my eye on someone special, and I'm waiting to see if they feel the same way."

Remus blushed, and shrugged Sirius's scarf up higher to hide his face, hoping James wouldn't notice.

Was it possible that Sirius was talking about him?

He and Sirius had always bantered with each other, enjoyed a special closeness when the other two weren't around, but in the past few months, it had begun to feel increasingly like they were flirting.

That was the awkward thing about falling in love with your best friend, it was so hard to know whether it was all just in your head, or if there really was something more going on. The boundaries between friendship and love could become blurry.

Besides, he tried to clear his thoughts, it was absurd to think that Sirius might fancy him. Not when Sirius, dark, mysterious, and gorgeous, could have his pick of anyone in the school (boy or girl).

No, he, Remus, was aggressively average, and it was ridiculous to think that Sirius might like an anxious werewolf who'd never be able to make much of himself in life. Because that was the problem, wasn't it? No matter how long he studied or how hard he worked, he'd never be able to escape himself - and that self would always be a werewolf.

Again lost in thought, he barely noticed when they reached Zonkos. He listened with one ear as James and Sirius debated the various merits of stink bombs versus dung pellets, throwing in a half hearted comment every few minutes whenever the conversation seemed to demand his participation.

"I've got to go to the post office," James said finally, glancing at his watch, "I'm waiting for my parents to send me my train ticket home for Christmas. Do you lot want to come with me? Or shall we all just meet at The Three Broomsticks when I'm done?"

"Meet us at The Three Broomsticks," Sirius tugged on a striped crimson and gold hat as they prepared to step into the cold again, "I'll order us some mulled cider so it'll be ready by the time you're done."

James headed left towards the post office, and Remus and Sirius turned right, the wind whipping against them as they shouldered their way through the cold.

"So…" Remus began hesitantly, he'd been trying to find a good time to bring this up with Sirius, "you're not going home with James for Christmas?"

Sirius was like a second son to the Potters, and he'd gone home with James every Christmas starting their second year. As the only Gryffindor in a family of Slytherins, Sirius had a difficult and often confrontational relationship with his own family.

"No," Sirius answered glumly, "I talked it over with James a month or two ago. After everything that happened with his grandparents this year, his parents need a quiet holiday with just their family. I completely understand...it's just," he scuffed his shoe moodily against the ground, "they always treat me like I'm their son, and it's times like these that I remember that I'm not. I never really will be." he laughed bitterly, "at least my real parents don't have to put up with their disappointment of a son either. Thank God Hogwarts lets students stay over the holidays."

After a moment he softened slightly, glancing over at Remus, "It'll be brilliant getting to spend the holiday with you though. I can't believe it's our first Christmas together."

"I know," Remus said dryly, "my parents couldn't have picked a better Christmas to go visit my sick grandmum in the country."

They'd originally planned on having Remus come with them, but Remus had pleaded an excess of homework, and told them he didn't mind spending Christmas at Hogwarts. Privately, he knew that having to pay for his train ticket as well as their own would have been too difficult. They were barely scraping along as it was.

Besides, he could think of worse things than spending the holiday with Sirius. He smiled softly to himself.

"I'm sorry you're not going home with James," he said, as they reached the Three Broomsticks, "but I think we're going to have a good time together."

"Me too." Sirius's devilish smile was once more on his face.

He pushed open the door and the cheerful din of the noisy pub wafted over them. They stepped inside, the warmth smarting against their cold cheeks.

Remus settled himself into a quiet booth in the corner, while Sirius headed over to the counter to order their cider.

A moment later, Lily Evans slid into the seat beside Remus, her cheeks still flushed from the cold.

"Hi," she said smiling, "I saw you sitting here all alone and I couldn't resist joining you,"

"Sirius is just at the counter, and James should be here in a few minutes, but thanks!" He grinned back, and glanced over at Sirius.

His smile slowly faded, Sirius was still at the counter, but he appeared to be deep in conversation with a very pretty snub-nosed and freckled witch with wavy blonde hair. Sirius laughed at something he said, and Remus felt his stomach clench, as he saw her reach out and rest her hand on Sirius's arm.

"Well, I'll leave you lot to it then," Lily stood up to leave, "Alice and Mary should be here soon to meet me."

"No! Stay!" Remus said, suddenly fierce. If Sirius was going to talk to a girl than why shouldn't he?

"All right…" Lily said slowly, sitting back down and looking at him curiously. She glanced over and saw Sirius, "ah," she said sympathetically, and pushed her flagon of butterbeer towards Remus.

He took a grateful sip, the buttery warmth of it spreading throughout his body, making him feel slightly better.

"Thanks," he pushed it back towards her. "What are you doing for Christmas?" he asked, determined not to look at Sirius blatantly flirting with that girl.

"Oh, I'm going home." Lily answered.

"Well that'll be nice, won't it?" Remus didn't know much about Lily's family except that they were muggles.

"I suppose," Lily rolled her eyes, "my older sister Petunia's been unbearably stuck up ever since she started university though. Still it'll be nice to be with my family. I bought them these," She held up a heavy Honeydukes bag, "My Mum and Dad love magical things, they can't get enough of Sugar Mice and Chocolate Frogs. Think they're absolutely adorable. Petunia hates magic though, so I got her this." she pulled out a plain, black notebook, "The calendar page changes to reflect the day's weather, but it was the most normal thing I could find around here." She shrugged, "What about you?"

"Oh, I'll be staying in school," he tried to sound casual, "I want to get a head start on the work for next term."

"Besides," he added, trying to sound slightly less pathetic, "Sirius will be staying in too."

"That's right," She gave him a scrutinizing look, "He isn't going to Potter's house this year, is he."

"No, his parents wanted a quiet holiday after...everything that happened with his grandparents."

They fell uncomfortably silent for a moment. Tragedy had become nearly commonplace among Hogwarts students, but that didn't make it less awkward to discuss.

"He's changed, hasn't he?" Lily said abruptly.

"Who, James?"

"Yes."

"I don't think you can go through something like that and not change." Remus shrugged, "sometimes it's the bad stuff that reveals who we really are, deep down."

"Yes, I suppose that's true…" Lily seemed lost in thought.

Remus eyed her closely...was it possible...could it be...that she was starting to see James differently?

"He'll be here soon you know," he tried to sound casual, "in case you want to have a drink with all of us."

"Well," Lily sounded unsure, "I don't see what could be the harm in that." She glanced around, "I have no idea where Mary and Alice have gone off to, so I might as well wait with you."

They chatted for a few more minutes, Remus glancing over every so often at Sirius and the girl who, infuriatingly, he was still talking to.

He'd always liked talking with Lily, she was easygoing, smart, funny. They sometimes studied together for exams, and they'd been neck and neck for top of the class since their first year.

Her brilliance came naturally to her though, whereas Remus's good marks mostly stemmed from hours of hard work and practice.

It was hard to resent her for it though, as she was always the first to lend him notes or offer to study with him on those occasional days when he missed class after the full moon - too ill from the residual effects of his transformation to attend.

Perhaps best of all, she'd never once asked him about his mysterious absences, never even displayed the slightest flicker of curiosity, although he was sure she must have wondered.

They were in the middle of discussing Slughorn's last potions exam in great detail when Sirius finally sauntered over, his hands full of mugs of hot cider.

"Move over," he said, grinning at Remus.

Remus slid over in the booth, but didn't return the smile.

"Like I was saying Lily," Remus turned back to her pointedly, "I thought it was clever to ask us to list the ingredients for draught of the living dead because in listing them you have to be sure to include the fact that the dandelions have to be picked under the full moon-"

"Sirius," she cut him off, "who was the girl you were talking to?"

Remus glared at her, but she just raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, the blonde one?" Sirius languidly took a sip of his cider, "Her name's Cynthia. I heard her mention that she's an auror with the ministry. I was trying to talk her up, because firstly, I wanted her to buy me a firewhisky, and secondly, I wanted to know if the auror department was accepting any new recruits."

"And did you get your firewhisky?" Lily asked eagerly.

"Obviously not," Sirius sighed, "right when she was about to order it for me, Nigel Barker walked up and told me that McGonagall had asked him to remind me that I have two outstanding detentions with her that I have to do before Christmas. The stupid prat clearly can't read a room. And Cynthia was a bit horrified to learn that I was sixteen."

Lily roared with laughter, and Remus, unable to help himself, joined in.

"What's so funny?" a windswept James appeared, his eyes flickering to Lily, as he sat down next to Sirius.

"That poor girl at the bar thought Sirius was a proper adult," Lily laughed, "until her fantasy was rudely interrupted by hearing that he has detention with McGonagall."

"Ah McGonagall," James grinned, "she'll be getting the best of us long after we've graduated."

"Maybe. But Cynthia did tell me that the Auror department is looking for new recruits," Sirius turned thoughtful, "Honestly, after Hogwarts that's what I think I want to do."

"They only accept top students," Lily smirked, "maybe try a bit harder on our next exam and Remus and I won't beat you so easily."

"Yes, well now I've got a purpose, haven't I?" Sirius's eyes were alight with a strange glow, "fighting dark wizards? Tracking down illegal objects? It'd be the perfect penance for my family." He fell silent, his cheeks flushed. He didn't usually discuss his family with people outside of their small friend group.

Lily looked equally uncomfortable. "Er, I'm actually in Ancient Runes club with your brother Regulus," she seemed to be trying to change the subject, "He seems like a sweet kid. Really bright."

Sirius snorted, but fell silent, taking a long swig of cider.

"Did you get your train ticket?" Remus turned to James, also attempting to switch the tack of their conversation.

"Yep!" James pulled an envelope out of his pocket, "I'll be taking the six o'clock train tomorrow." He sighed, "I'm going to miss you lot over the holidays though. Don't have too much fun without me."

"Just me and Sirius? I doubt we'll be doing much without you and Peter around."

Was it his imagination or had Lily just winked at him?

"Oh don't be too sure about that Remus," Sirius sat forward in his chair, a mischievous twinkle in his eye, "I actually did have something planned for just the two of us."

"What?" Remus was genuinely curious, but despite several minutes of pestering, Sirius remained silent on the matter, grinning mysteriously in response to Remus's attempts to pry it out of him.

The next twenty minutes passed quickly, as they chatted and drank cider, the warm fire flickering in the background.

He supposed Lily had never really sat down with their group before beyond the confines of mandated group work in class, and it was nice to have her. She blended seamlessly in, was clever and funny, and managed to keep even Sirius on his toes. Lily Evans would have to stick around.

Finally, James glanced down at his watch, and his eyebrows shot up, "Blimey," he pushed away his empty mug, "it's getting late. We need to leave if we want to get back to the castle before dark."

Slowly getting to their feet, they shrugged on their cloaks to leave, and stepped out once again into the cold.

The sun was starting to set, and a deeper chill had entered the air.

The streets of Hogsmeade were crowded with students returning to the castle.

Sirius frowned after yet another third year bumped into his elbow, rushing to get back before dark, "C'mon," he gestured at an alleway nestled between two shops, "I know a shortcut for getting back to the main road."

James, Lily and Remus trailed behind him as he turned down the dark alley.

They passed by several overflowing rubbish bins and wooden crates, the alleyway lined with scuffed backdoors that led into the shops.

They were halfway to the end of the alley when two people stepped out in front of them, blocking their path. In the quickening darkness, Remus couldn't make out who they were, only that they were wearing Hogwarts robes.

Lily must have recognized them though, for she abruptly stopped walking. "Avery. Mulciber." her voice sounded tight.

Sirius had also stopped walking as they stood directly in front of him, blocking their way forward.

"Evans," the taller of the two sneered, Remus could see his face now. He recognized Avery, a cold-faced Slytherin in their year. Remus had heard rumors last year that Avery had experimented with dark magic on a house elf, but no proof had ever been found, so he'd walked away unpunished.

Mulciber had flickering dark eyes with an equally cold glint. Remus didn't know much about him except that he ran with the same gang of Slytherins, a group which included Severus Snape.

"Let us by," Sirius's voice was harsh as he stared down the two boys.

A thrill of dread shot through Remus. He didn't like seeing Sirius in the near-dark, being glared at by two Slytherins with outstretched wands.

Slowly, Remus slipped his own wand out of his pocket. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that James had done the same.

"'Dunno why we should let you pass Evans," Mulciber drawled at Lily, "I've never been one to do favors for filthy mudbloods,"

"You take that back!" James shouted, furious, his wand leveled with Mulciber's face.

"James, calm down," Lily's voice had a forced coolness to it, she gave a sharp look at the two Slytherins, "I can't imagine what the fun is in blocking our path, but it would be wise of you to move seeing as you're outnumbered by us two to one."

"Are we?" Avery's wand was pointing at them now.

Footsteps sounded behind them. Remus whirled around, two more Slytherin boys had emerged from behind them, cutting off any retreat. Remus could just make out the faces of Evan Rosier and Fredrick Wilkes. They were both smirking maliciously, enjoying Remus's clear discomfort.

Instinctively, the four Gryffindors stepped closer to each other, wands out protectively.

"You're being a bit idiotic really," Sirius stepped in front of Lily, wand oustretched, his voice tight with anger, "I was in dueling club with you in fourth year. You got taken out by that first year Hufflepuff. You have to realize this can't possibly be a good idea."

"It's always a good idea to remind mudbloods and blood traitors of their place," Avery's voice had taken on a distinctly menacing tone, "Sirius Black," he said the name slowly, as though savoring it's cadences, "the epitome of a blood traitor. We've been wanting to have a chat with you. It pains us to see a pure blood degrading his status, hanging out with slime and muck like this. Your poor parents. They asked my father if I could keep an eye on you, make sure you don't disgrace the Black family name too much. But I think it's a little late for that. If I were them, I'd have died of shame a long time ago rather than keep living with you as a son."

"Potter's no better," Mulciber snickered, "his disgusting muggle-loving grandparents got what they deserved."

"Shut up!" Sirius roared, furious.

James looked like he'd been slapped across the face.

"I suppose Evans is right where she belongs then," Avery said, smiling cruelly, "with all the rest of the wizard filth and grime. The only thing that would make me happier is if her family had been killed today in the attack, but," he shrugged, "we can't have everything."

"Attack?" Lily's voice was shaking with anger.

"Of course," Mulciber chortled, "you don't even know about it yet. Well, you'll find out soon enough."

Avery's eyes suddenly fixed on Remus. A cold glint of recognition flickered across his face.

"Remus Lupin," he said silkily, "I barely noticed you hiding behind your friends. I have regards for you from a friend of my father's - Fenrir Greyback, I think you know him? He asked me to tell you that he hopes he'll be seeing you again soon. His last visit with you was much too rushed."

It felt as though ice water had been dumped into Remus's veins. He went cold, frozen at the torrent of memories the name Fenrir Greyback had unleashed. How did Avery know that name?

"What is he talking about?" He distantly heard Lily mutter to James, sounding confused.

"Oh, didn't you know?" Avery laughed cruelly, "your friend Lupin is the dirtiest of all of you,"

Remus closed his eyes, heart pounding. This was it. Avery was about to unleash his secret. And then everyone would know. There was no turning back from the truth.

"after all," Avery continued, "he is a were-"

He was abruptly cut off by Sirius who gave a yell of pure rage and punched him squarely in the jaw.

Avery crumpled to the ground with a moan.

Mulciber raised his wand towards them, rage glinting in his eyes.

"You'll pay for that," he growled at Sirius.

"Expelliarmus!" Lily shouted, and Mulciber's wand clattered out of his hands.

His eyes full of malice, Mulciber dove for his wand, turned on his heel and disapparated with a sharp CRACK.

"Stupefy!" a jet of red light shot out of James's wand, hitting one of the Slytherins behind them, who immediately toppled over.

The fourth boy shot a curse at Lily, who ducked. It exploded against the wall of the alleyway.

With one last look of fury, he took off running.

Avery groaned and stirred on the ground in front of them.

"Come on!" Lily sounded panicked, "let's get out of here!" She grabbed James by the arm and started sprinting towards the main road, Sirius behind them.

Remus remained rooted in place. He couldn't move. He was still frozen in fear. Fenrir Greyback, Fenrir Greyback, his mind muttered the name over and over again.

"Remus?" Sirius turned around at the end of the alley, his eyes lighting with panic when he saw Remus still standing in the same spot.

He ran back to Remus, grabbed his arm and tried to tug him away.

Remus couldn't move. He was being stupid. But he felt so far away from his body. He didn't think his feet would listen to his commands even if he tried.

Fenrir Greyback, Fenrir Greyback, his mind continued to chant.

"Remus?" Sirius tilted his chin up, his black eyes full of worry, forcing Remus to meet his gaze,"Remus, I know. I know. But we need to get out of here."

He pulled Remus roughly into an embrace for a moment, before stepping back.

And Remus's mind unfroze. He blinked, taking in the situation around them more fully, the prone Slytherins beginning to stir. The alleyway completely dark now.

He grabbed Sirius's arm and together they ran down the alleyway, James and Lily waiting at the end.

They kept running until they'd reached the main road, nearly empty except for a few late students straggling back to the castle in small groups.

They were panting when they finally slowed to a walk.

"I'm telling McGonagall," was the first thing Lily said, in between gasps. She sounded furious.

"And what's she going to be able to do?" James said bitterly, "all the teachers know about the stupid gang of Slytherins, but until they do something really terrible nothing's going to happen to them."

"Besides," Sirius said dully, "I threw the first punch. I'll land in detention even faster than they will."

"It's not right," Lily fumed, "it's just not right!"

Then, to Remus's surprise, she burst into tears. He'd never seen Lily less then cool and collected.

James shot Remus a look of horror as he reached out to tentatively pat her shoulder.

"There, there," he said hesitantly, "those Slytherins are idiots. Everyone knows all that stupid stuff about blood purity is nonsense. They just like to shout louder than the rest of the world."

"That's the problem though, isn't it?" Lily sniffed, swiping a hand across her cheek, "they are shouting louder. They're gaining more traction. He Who Must Not Be Named gets more and more followers each year." she paused, "I don't know what the future looks like for muggle borns like me. And I hate that. I hate that this world that I worked so hard to be a part of doesn't want me back."

"It's not like that." James said hotly, "Of course I want you! Er - of course we want you," he quickly corrected himself, looking embarrassed.

Lily didn't respond. The castle was in sight now. Her cheeks were glazed with tears as she gazed up at the lights of Hogwarts, looking at it from the outside as though seeing it clearly for the first time.

She shivered slightly.

James shrugged off his cloak and softly wrapped it around her shoulders. They continued walking towards Hogwarts in silence.

They finally reached the castle several minutes later, pushing open the heavy oak doors and stepping into the warm entrance hall.

"There you are," Professor McGonagall stood in the entryway, herding students into the Great Hall. Her mouth was a thin line, and she had a worried look in her eyes, barely taking in their disheveled appearance, "everyone's to go immediately into the Great Hall. The headmaster has an announcement."

The entire school was already gathered as the four of them joined the Gryffindor table. The chatter was quieter than usual, and many students looked worried.

Looking deeply somber, Dumbledore stepped up to the podium to address them. Silence fell immediately.

"As some of you may have heard, there was a Death Eater attack today." he began, his voice calm and even, "it took place on a crowded street in London near Parliament. I am deeply saddened to report that forty-three lives were taken."

He paused to survey the room, his eyes sweeping across the assembled students,

"It is difficult to understand senseless acts of terror," he continued, "but I urge each one of you to view this as a call to unity. To remember not what separates us from each other, but what brings us together. Fear can only prey on those who are afraid. Divisiveness can only split apart those who do not stand together. Every drop of blood that is spilled, whether magical or not is a tremendous loss to the world, I hope that every one of you gathered here today can recognize that."

He was silent for a moment before he continued, "It is on this note that I regret to inform you that in the current state of danger, we are locking down Hogwarts for the next week. No one will be able to exit or enter the school grounds until we are able to sufficiently ensure the safety of each and every one of our students both in and around the castle."

Cries of protest spread throughout the great hall.

Dumbledore raised a hand for silent, "I sincerely apologize, as I know many of you were looking forward to going home for Christmas. However, your safety is our top priority, and I believe that in that respect, your parents will agree with us. I will assure you, however, for those who have never spent Christmas at Hogwarts before - it is a holiday that you will be sure to remember. On that note, I bid you goodnight."

The hall immediately filled with the chatter of hundreds of students - all suddenly trapped in Hogwarts for Christmas.

James pulled his train ticket out of his pocket and stared at it for a second, then crumpled it into a ball in a single angry motion. His eyes tightened for a moment, before he glanced up at Remus and Sirius and forced a grin, "I suppose this will be our first ever Marauder's Christmas. I don't know why we didn't think to do it sooner."


	3. Chapter 3

Later that night, Remus lay in bed, his eyes wide open, heart pounding. His mind couldn't stop replaying the events of that afternoon in a seemingly endless loop.

The worst feeling, he'd decided, was the feeling of seeing his friends in danger, and being so powerless. He'd frozen up so entirely he hadn't even been good at running away. He was an embarrassment to Gryffindor.

Avery had known he was a werewolf. Had mentioned Fenrir Greyback. Remus's stomach clenched again at the memory. How had Avery known? Remus didn't even know anything about the werewolf who'd attacked him as a child, except his name. He'd never felt so vulnerable before. Avery could tell anyone in the school if he wanted to. Remus didn't know what he'd do if everyone in Hogwarts found out. Die of shame most likely. Maybe settle for running away forever if he was in a good mood.

The wolf half of him disgusted him. He was a monster. Meant to hurt other people.

"Remus," a voice whispered in the darkness.

He sat up, Sirius was also awake, arms wrapped around his knees, a look of total misery on his face.

"I can't sleep." Sirius whispered, "will you come sit with me?" a note of pleading crept into his voice.

Remus nodded, padded softly over to Sirius's bed and sat down gingerly on the end.

James's gentle snores signaled that they were the only two still awake.

"It was all my fault," for once, Sirius wouldn't meet his eyes, "everything that happened today."

"What are you talking about?"

"My parents. Before I left for school they told me they'd asked the sons of some of their friends to keep an eye on me. I thought it was an empty threat, but…" he trailed off, "And then I was stupid enough to lead us down that alleyway. I was practically begging for trouble. Next time it could be so much worse. You know my cousin Bellatrix is a Death Eater, don't you?" he sounded bitter, "this isn't always going to stay within the realm of school yard fights. Next time you or James or Lily could end up really hurt. Could end up dead."

"You're being an idiot," Remus said calmly, "those Slytherin morons would pick a fight with anything that moves. Besides, they already hated Lily. Me and and James too for that matter."

"I'm serious," Sirius hissed angrily, "I'm putting all of you in danger every time we're seen together. It would...kill me if something happened to any of you." it sounded as though the words were wrenched from somewhere deep within his chest.

He tucked his head into his knees so Remus could no longer see his face, his back shaking slightly with silent sobs.

Remus was at a total loss. Sirius was the strong one, the brave one, the one who never gave a damn. It was frightening to see him so scared.

Gingerly, he reached an arm around Sirius's shaking shoulders, pulling him tight against him. Sirius's body was warm through the thin material of his pyjamas. Remus felt his breath catch in his throat. What was he doing? But he just wanted Sirius to know Remus was there. Would always be there. Without really knowing what he was doing, he gently took Sirius's hand in his. Sirius's hand was warm, a little rough.

Sirius leaned into Remus's chest, took one more shuddering breath, and then was silent.

"Sirius Black," Remus said softly, "Arrogant and a bit too aware of how handsome you are maybe, but I never thought you were stupid. Death eaters don't need a reason to kill. They destroy because they can't stand to see a society built on goodness and equality. It doesn't matter if one of them's your cousin. They'd just as soon kill me for looking at them the wrong way as for being your friend. And don't you see it? James, Peter, and I, we'd all rather die being your friend than live without you. You're the one that brought all of us together. And...I don't want to imagine my life without you in it."

It was dark and Sirius needed to know he wasn't alone. At least that's how Remus was choosing to explain to himself how he'd suddenly grown so bold. With one last feat of daring, he leaned his head down and rested it on Sirius's shoulder. He was suddenly acutely aware that he could feel Sirius's heart beating against his chest. That they were holding hands. That they were curled up together in Sirius's bed.

He closed his eyes, suddenly sleepy. He hoped this wasn't just a dream.

Remus awoke when the first ray of sun hit his eyes, feeling totally disoriented. He sat up with a jolt. Was he in Sirius's bed?

Sirius's arm was slung across his waist, pinning him to the bed. Sirius was breathing softly, still asleep. His face was turned away from Remus, who could only see the back of his tousled, thick hair.

The memories of last night came rushing back to Remus, and he blushed. What did this mean for them?

And what about James - had he seen them?

Heart pounding, he looked over at James's bed. It was empty.

James must already be at breakfast.

Remus's stomach gave a terrible jolt. Surely he'd seen Remus asleep in Sirius's bed. What had he thought?

As far as he could tell (and since James frequently tried to set Remus up on dates with James's distant cousin Agnes in Ravenclaw), James had never picked up on...well..whatever was going on with him and Sirius.

Carefully, he lifted Sirius's arm up, and rolled out from under him, wincing slightly as his bare feet hit the cold stone floor.

Sirius groaned and rolled over in his sleep.

The ray of sun that had woken Remus bathed half of Sirus's face in light. It illuminated the subtle golden threads in his dark hair. The faint smattering of freckles across the bridge of his nose. He was so bloody gorgeous it was infuriating.

He was being ridiculous. Sirius had been frightened last night, and Remus had comforted him. It probably wasn't as significant to Sirius as it had felt to Remus.

Of course, Sirius had never properly dated anyone either (despite the fact nearly any girl in the school would have given up their wand to go out with him), but he just always seemed so knowledgeable. Hinted vaguely about past stories of whirlwind romances that occurred over the summer holidays. He'd certainly kissed at least one (if not several) girls. Physical contact probably wasn't as meaningful for him as it was for Remus.

Nobody wanted to touch a werewolf though, and Remus couldn't blame them.

Remus shrugged off his pyjamas, hurriedly pulling on a shirt and trousers, stowing his wand in his pocket.

He'd just pushed open the door to leave when he heard a rustling of quilts behind him.

"Wher'you rushing off to Moony?" Sirus's groggy voice came from behind him.

"Just breakfast," he refused to turn around, didn't want Sirius to see how his face had flushed beet red. He dashed down the staircase, ignoring Sirius calling his name behind him.

The Great Hall seemed even noisier than usual. Most of the students had been on the verge of escaping school for the next week, and now they were all stuck. There was a nearly tangible feeling of restlessness in the air.

James was sitting at the far end of the Gryffindor table next to Lily. Remus watched as she laughed at something James said, and an irrepressible grin spread over James's face as though he couldn't quite believe his good luck.

Remus's stomach twinged again. He didn't want to face James either. Perhaps he'd just sneak a piece of toast out and eat it in the library.

He did that sometimes when he was feeling overwhelmed. Nothing felt quite as calming as peaceful rows of bookshelves, the soothing smell of old bindings.

He palmed a piece of toast out of the basket and slunk out of the hall, trying to look inconspicuous.

In the library he settled down into his favorite nook, a window seat in the very back behind the Mythical and Fantastic Beasts section.

Remus had always been fond of learning about other magical creatures. He supposed it was some subverted way of trying to make sense of himself. His favorite book was a well-thumbed copy of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. He'd read it so often that the cover was hanging on by a thread, and several pages had fallen out of the binding. He'd been meaning to replace it, but never managed to save up quite enough money. He loved reading about griffins and imps and kneazles and jobberknols and kelpies and sea dragons. It reminded him that he was never quite done learning about the world. That there was a beauty and strength to magical creatures that he sometimes forgot about.

The only section he didn't like, but somehow could never seem to stop himself from reading, was the one on werewolves. They had received a Ministry of Magic classifications of XXXXX - known wizard killer. Remus had read the section so many times that he'd memorized the words, and he shuddered slightly, as they echoed in his mind, "Once a month, at the full moon, the otherwise sane and normal wizard or Muggle afflicted, transforms into a murderous beast. Almost uniquely among fantastic creatures, the werewolf actively seeks humans in preference to any other kind of prey." Murderous beast. Human prey.

Sighing, his mind flitted back to more pressing problems.

He leaned back against the cold window, the glass frosted with whorls of ice, and took a bite of his toast.

How the hell was he going to make it through Christmas if he couldn't look Sirius or James in the eye?

Maybe he'd just stay in the library for the next week. That wouldn't be so bad.

Two hours later he was still curled up in the window. He'd begun reading a book that he'd pulled at random from the shelf entitled A Comprehensive History of Eyvil Beasts and Daemons.

It was very old and the author seemed to hold some outmoded beliefs. In the chapter on vampires he'd written: Vampires can most certainly turn into bats. In the new colony of Australia, they can transform into a strange eyvil creature called a 'wombat,' which is a related species.

Remus chuckled softly to himself.

"Are you hiding from me?"

He sat up abruptly, the book sliding out of his hands.

Sirius was leaning against a bookcase, his hands slung casually in his pockets. His hair was ruffled and damp, still wet from the shower.

He was still wearing his checkered pyjama bottoms. It wasn't fair that he looked this good with absolutely no effort.

"N-no," Remus stammered, his traitorous cheeks flushing as usual. "I just had to do some...reading." He gestured lamely at the book.

Sirius raised an eyebrow skeptically.

With a sigh, he walked over and sank onto the seat next to Remus.

"Look...if this is about what happened...last night, I talked to James and everything's fine. I told him that we were just talking and accidently fell asleep. He's so distracted by the fact that Lily sat next to him at breakfast that I barely think he noticed." He gazed at Remus searchingly, "So, we're fine. Right?"

Remus could still feel his face burning scarlet. Was that what Sirius had thought happened? Were they just two friends talking?

Of course, they'd been holding hands too, which Remus didn't usually do with his friends. But what did Remus know. This was Sirius after all, and he could barely talk to anyone without blinding them with charm.

"Yeah. Of course we're fine." He picked up the book again.

"Good," Sirius tugged the book out of his hands and tossed it aside, "then come on a walk with me. You know I can't stand to be cooped up all day."

Did he want to spend more time with Sirius? Everything was so confusing when he was nearby. He was too warm, too loud, too alive. But Remus couldn't stand the sight of him walking away either.

Remus sighed and stood up. "Fine, let's go." He tucked the book into his bag, he'd finish it later.

Snow crunched under their feet as they wended their way through the trees on the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest.

It was even colder than yesterday if that was possible, and their breath came in short puffs of frost.

When he'd been a child, breathing frost had been one of Remus's favorite parts of winter: he'd always pretended he was a dragon. His chase his mother and she'd shriek, pretending to be scared.

Now being a werewolf was enough of a monster for him, and seeing his breath freeze reminded him of childhood in a sad way. Just another one of those stupid memories seeped with nostalgia and reeking of simplistic innocence in a way that seemed laughable now.

Why did everything have to get so complicated?

Couldn't they just go back to being eleven? Or five. Being five again might be nice. The last year before he'd been bitten.

"So," Sirius began, sounding hesitant.

Remus gave him a scrutinizing look. Was it possible that the ever-confident Sirius Black was nervous?

"I just...um...right." Sirius trailed off.

Remus hadn't heard Sirius stammer so badly since the time his parents had been called to Hogwarts because of a particularly bad instance of misbehavior in their fourth year. Remus might envy Sirius's looks and confidence, but he definitely didn't envy his parents. Sirius had been quiet and withdrawn for days after they'd come. Remus had never asked him what transpired between them.

Sirius ran a hand through his hair, looking embarrassed. "Right." He took a breath. "I just wanted to say thank you...for calming me down last night. For being a good friend. You know I hate talking about my family. But whenever they rear their ugly head like that, it rattles me. So...thanks."

"You're welcome." Remus sighed, "we all have our demons Sirius, it's nothing to be ashamed of."

"I know. Sometimes I just feel like...you're the only person I can talk to about these things. James is just too bloody well-adjusted to understand us." Sirius laughed darkly.

"Us?" Remus blushed. But he wanted to finally cut through the strands of ambiguity. He wanted to know what Sirius was thinking, even if it wasn't what he wanted to hear.

For a moment, Sirius was silent, and Remus wondered if he'd even heard him.

But then Remus snuck a glance at Sirius's face. Sirius was gazing at him so intensely that Remus flushed an even deeper shade of red.

Sirius stopped walking and stepped in front of Remus so that they were standing face to face. He leaned in, they were so close now that the tips of their noses nearly touched. Remus could see his own reflection in Sirius's black eyes. His breath warmed Remus's cheek.

"Remus…" his voice was low and intense, "of course there's an 'us.' There's always been an 'us."

Remus couldn't breathe. Everything was too hot and too cold all at once. It was as though he was suddenly in outer space, everything else had been sucked away, even the air, and it was just the two of them.

"You mean so much to me, Remus," Sirius was gazing at him like he was the sun, like the universe revolved around him, "I like you so much. So much. You can't be blind to that. I want to...give us a chance."

Remus couldn't look away, couldn't move, he was trapped by Sirus's eyes, frozen by his words.

Sirius reached out and gently cradled Remus's cheek with his hand.

And Remus flinched away.

Sirius withdrew his hand, looking stung.

"Sirius…" his voice cracked, "I'm sorry...but I just can't...not right now."

Sirius flushed, "do you...not feel the same way?"

"It's not that…" Remus was stammering, his mind awash with confusion, he barely even knew what he was trying to say, only that something was standing between him and the beautiful boy in front of him, "it's just...I just...I don't even know what I want right now. I'm sorry. I just...need more time to think everything over."

Hurt flashed across Sirius's face before it was quickly covered over with a mask of calm.

"Fine. I'm sorry I said anything to you in that case." he said cooly, "I suppose if you change your mind, you know where to find me."

Without waiting for Remus, he turned on his heel and marched off through the snow back towards the castle.

"Wait!" Remus called, but Sirius had vanished between the trees.

A breeze ruffled Remus's cloak and he pulled it tighter around himself, shivering. It was cold again. For a moment, he'd forgotten it was cold.


	4. Chapter 4

Remus sat alone at dinner that night, picking listlessly at his food.

He was pretty sure he was cursed. Whenever anything started to go his way, he had to ruin it. Although that seemed more like a problem with himself than with magic. He was an absolute prat.

Sirius had studiously avoided him for the rest of the day, and he now sat with James at the other end of the table, talking and laughing as though he didn't have a care in the world.

Remus wasn't even hungry. He didn't know why he'd bothered coming to dinner. Except maybe to keep an eye on Sirius. But Sirius seemed fine, and there was no point in sitting here for any longer. He pushed back the bench with a screech against the stone floor, and stood up to leave.

At that moment, the head girl Mathilda Vance bounced on stage. She was an incessantly cheerful Hufflepuff who had been surprisingly deadly the one time Remus had faced off against her in his short lived career in the dueling club.

"Good evening everyone," She beamed around at the hall, waiting for quiet. Remus sat back down. He couldn't walk out in the middle of her announcement. It was bloody annoying being a prefect sometimes.

"I know that for many of us, having to spend the holidays at Hogwarts was...unexpected." She continued, "But Charles and I have been thinking of ways to make the next week as fun as possible." She gestured to the head boy standing several feet away from her, and looking rather embarrassed at the attention.

"With the help of the professors, we've planned Christmas activities over the next few days to liven up the holidays!" She clapped her hands excitedly, "Charles is going to introduce our first activity!" She grabbed the head boy, who'd been attempting to sidle even further away, and dragged him in front of the lectern.

"Er...right," From what Remus knew about Charles, he was an extremely punctilious Ravenclaw who was an excellent student and very quiet.

He ruffled his hair looking awkward and peered out at the crowd through his spectacles, "we'll be playing a game of Mystery Merlin," the hall broke out into excited murmurs, "everyone will draw a slip of paper with the name of someone else in their year. You have to surprise them with a present on Christmas without them finding out who you are. The prefect of your house will have the names to draw from." Still looking embarrassed he slunk away from the podium.

Mathilda popped up in front of Remus, holding out a goblet filled with slips of paper. "It's spelled to only give out names of other students in the same year of whoever's drawing, that way everyone will be sure to know the person they're assigned to," she said brightly, before jogging off to the Hufflepuff table.

Excited first years crowded around Remus to draw their slips of paper.

"My turn," with a grin, Lily appeared in front of him, reached in and drew out a scrap of paper. She read it over once, smiled, and tucked it into her pocket.

"James and Sirius are over there, pretending they're too cool for this," she inclined her head towards the corner of the table, where Sirius sat lounging with his feet up on the bench.

After everyone else had drawn their slips, only three remained. With a sigh, Remus stood up and walked slowly over to where James and Sirius were sitting.

"If you lot don't play, than that means someone's not going to get a present on Christmas," he held out the goblet towards them.

"It's not that we mind playing," Sirius said cooly as he fished around for one of the slips, "it's more of that we have a reputation of being cool to uphold, and acting excited about school mandated games would damage that carefully cultivated persona."

He unfolded his slip, read it, and pocketed it. His face remained impassive.

James reached in next, frowned, and crumpled his.

"What if we barely know the person?" he asked Remus, "can we switch for someone better?"

"No." Remus answered shortly. Everything felt so awkward between the three of them. He needed to patch things up with Sirius.

Only one scrap of paper remained. Remus took it out it and smoothed it open. Written in sparkling lilac ink (clearly by Mathilda) was the name _Severus Snape_.

Remus hid in the library again the next day. In the history section this time, since he'd clearly been too predictable yesterday.

A frosty silence had settled between him and Sirius, and Remus was miserable.

He wished Sirius had just given him more time to try and explain himself, not that he even really knew what he was thinking.

But he hadn't expected Sirius to be so open with him, and when he'd hesitated in reciprocating, Sirus's anger had caught him equally off guard.

There was a small nook between the _history of magical cooking implements_ shelf, and the _goblin wars and treaties_ shelf. If he flattened himself against the wall, he'd be invisible to anyone walking by the aisle.

Remus tucked himself onto the floor between the two shelves, leaning his back against the side of the bookcase, and pulled out the book from yesterday.

He'd already read the vampire, mermaid, and kappa sections. He thumbed open to the next chapter.

A vivid ink illustration covered the page, depicting a giant wolf standing over a mauled human body, a full moon shining above their heads.

His stomach gave a familiar jolt of recognition. Of course. His favorite section of any book on magical creatures: werewolves.

_One of the most fearsome of all magical beasts_, the chapter began, _the wyrewolf combines the intelligence and magycal ability of a wizard with the brute strength and savage nature of a wolf. When this burdensome curse takes hold of afflicted wizards, nothing shall stop them in their fierce desire to sate themselves with magycal blood. They care not for the cries of the innocent, and allow themselves to be consumed with the desire to hunt. A wyrewolf bite may kill a wizard, or turn the injured wizard into another wyrewolf. Only wizards with a savage nature turn into wyrewolves if they are bitten. Truly good wizards will die if bitten, rather than allow themselves to become monsters. Thus wyrewolves remain on the fringes of our goode society, for they can only hide their beastly nature for so long before it is revealed._

Remus closed the book, his heart thudding. He knew it wasn't true. All research pointed to the fact that the difference between becoming a werewolf and dying when bitten had entirely to do with the severity of the bite, not the nature of the wizard. But then why had what he just read resonated so deeply with him.

Sometimes when he thought about the day he'd been bitten, so long ago, he wished he _had_ died that day. It would have been better for everyone that way. His parents could have moved on with their lives. He'd never have put everyone he loved in danger. And he wouldn't have to suffer like this anymore. Because sometimes it felt like there was no way forward. He would be like this forever. And he would always be trapped within himself.

He'd been six years old the night he'd been attacked. What he remembered most about it was the unceasing pain as the magical venom entered his bloodstream, it had felt like fire was coursing through his veins.

He remembered his mother crying, his father grim faced. A healer who had rushed to their house, examining him as he writhed in bed, and then conferring with his parents in hushed tones. "He might die." the healer had whispered to his parents. They'd thought Remus couldn't hear.

His parents had explained everything to him when he'd gotten better. How he'd transform once a month. How he'd have to try hard, _very hard_, to not hurt anyone when he was a wolf. How this was going to be difficult but they'd get through it, and what was most important was that Remus was okay, how he was going to be okay.

The promise that he was 'going to be okay,' sometimes felt like a promise that had never fully been realized. He would be like this forever, and the long awaited future of 'okay' remained a fantasy. A thin hope they had all clung to, maybe it wouldn't be so bad, maybe someone would find a cure, maybe Remus would be stronger than the wolf.

But no one had, and Remus was weak. Not just weak, broken. Probably irreparably so.

He'd tried to explain this to Sirius, but Sirius hadn't listened. Remus was bad. And undeserving of good things and good people. And the further away people stayed from Remus, the safer they were.

When James, Peter, and Sirius had taken it upon themselves to become animagi, Remus had protested so vehemently that eventually they'd pretended to drop the matter entirely, only telling him what they'd done once the spell was complete.

By then they'd gone in too deep, had worked too hard and invested too much magic for Remus's sake for him to tell them 'no' any longer, so he'd reluctantly agreed for them to keep him company when he transformed.

Having his friends around him made everything different when he was a wolf. At times, he even had flashes of remembering that he was human. But whenever he took a step back, he went cold at the thought of how dangerous what they were doing was. How many times he'd almost hurt all of them. Had almost killed all of them.

He would never admit it to them, but there were so many times he'd wished that they'd never become animagi for his sake. That he could still just sit alone, howling in the shrieking shack each month. Because that way, at least, he was sure that the only person he could hurt was himself.

A lump had gathered in his throat, and he swallowed angrily. He was being stupid, letting himself get so worked up about an old book. He just couldn't shake the feeling that it was _right_.

And everything with Sirius was compounding his misery. He wished he could just talk about it with someone. But Peter was home, he couldn't confess to James how he felt, and Sirius was at the root of it all.

The only person he could really talk to was...himself. Maybe writing about it would help.

He pulled a piece of parchment and quill out of his bag, and smoothed it on the floor.

_Dear Sirius,_ he began, _I'm sorry about the way I reacted. It was brave of you to tell me how you felt. You're always so brave. I don't know how you do it._

_I know I didn't respond the way you wanted me to. The way _I _wanted myself to. This is all so new. _

_And, to be honest, I really don't know how I feel about..._us_. _

_I like you. An awful lot. There, I finally said it. _

_I like the way you smile - it always looks like you're planning an absolutely devious prank. I like the way you let teachers forget how smart you are and then astonish them with another ridiculous feat of talent. I like the way you act like you don't care about anything, like you're above this entire school. But really you care an awful lot about almost everything. _

_I like you Sirius. I might even love you._

_But I'm standing in the way of myself. In the way of both of us._

_I'm afraid I'll hurt you. _

_I also don't know why you'd ever like me. I'm nice enough, I get good marks, I can make you laugh. But all those things are on the surface. And I don't think anyone, not even you, sees what I'm really like, deep down. _

_This is also the first time I've ever liked a boy. _

_And I don't know if I can do that to my parents. I think I've disappointed them in enough ways. I'm not sure if I can add this to the list._

_Since you'll never see this letter, I might as well confess it to myself. I wanted to kiss you yesterday. I've been wondering what kissing you would feel like for months. _

_But nothing can happen between us. Not when I'm so afraid._

_I hope you understand._

_Remus_

He felt a little lighter. It helped to release the words. To form the jumble of his thoughts into some kind of order on a page.

He folded the letter in half and tapped it with his wand. It burst into flames.

He held the burning parchment until the flames almost reached his fingertips, then gently blew it out, letting the last few pieces fragment into ashes in his hand.

He stood up, shaking out his stiff legs, and walked over to the window at the end of the aisle. Pushing it open, a gust of cool wind ruffling his hair, he dumped the ashes into the air. In an instant, they were swept away.

If Remus had it his way, he would have skipped dinner entirely that night. Of course, like most things in his life, Remus didn't have it his way.

He was still in the library, numbly reliving his fight with Sirius for the thousandth time in his head, when a first year girl stumbled upon his hiding spot.

"Remus Lupin?" she asked, her eyes widening. When Remus nodded his assent, she pulled a piece of parchment out of her pocket, "Mathilda, the head girl, she asked me to give this to you." Dropping it in his hands, she scurried away.

With a sigh, Remus unrolled it.

_To all prefects: please meet me in the prefect lounge so we can discuss tonight's activity. BRING YOUR SENSE OF ENTHUSIASM!_

These words were followed by several inked sparkly stars and hearts which had been charmed to bounce around the page.

Remus doubted he would be able to muster any enthusiasm for what Mathilda had planned. He was currently having a hard enough time mustering the will to live. Enthusiasm seemed like a bit of a stretch.

He walked slowly down the fourth floor corridor towards the lounge.

The lounge was probably among the best benefits of being a prefect. It was a large cozy room stuffed with plump couches and armchairs. A table in the corner was always stocked with platters of biscuits and scones. Best of all, only prefects could access it.

When the library got too noisy during exams week, the lounge was Remus's favorite place to study. It was quiet, serene...Remus tapped on the fifth panel up on the wall and twisted the bracket of the light fixture clockwise...the wall slid open and a crush of noise greeted him.

He was late.

All the other house prefects as well as Mathilda and Charles were already in the room, chattering to each other, and every spare surface was covered with baskets of softly glowing glass orbs.

"Remus! You're here!" Lily grabbed him by the elbow with a smile and pulled him into the room. She moved a basket of orbs onto the floor and patted the sofa cushion next to where she'd been sitting. Remus sank down next to her.

"Right then, that's everyone I think!" Mathilda got to her feet, beaming as usual, "I'm terribly excited about tonight's activity, and I hope the rest of you are too!" She paused, waiting for their reaction.

Vivian, one of the Hufflepuff prefects, let out a cheer. Everyone else laughed.

"It would help if we knew what the activity _is_!" Lily called out.

"Fair enough...tonight," she paused for dramatic effect, "we're having a...scavenger hunt!" She clapped her hands together and let out a small squeal of excitement. "You'll be hiding these orbs all over the castle," she gestured at the baskets scattered around the room, "Whichever house collects the most wins!"

"Is there a prize?" Sebastian, one of the Slytherin prefects, asked with interest.

"Of course!" Mathilda was indignant, "Eternal glory! Also, a party in the winning house's common room with fresh Christmas biscuits from the kitchen!"

The room broke out in excited murmurs. The holiday biscuits at Hogwarts were a rare commodity, made only once a year. The house elves frosted each one individually, and they came in lavish array of colors and shapes. Remus's favorite were the reindeer ones, they reminded him of James.

"We've divided the castle into four quadrants," Charles stepped up, still looking shy, "you'll partner with the other prefect from your house to hide the balls. We've also enchanted them to turn the color of whatever house is the first to find them," he picked one up out of the basket and it flashed blue, he tapped it with his wand, resetting it to a misty white, "but we'd still like you to stay in your quadrant while the hunt is going on in case you need to referee."

Mathilda was moving around the room, handing out baskets to prefects. She reached Lily and Remus, handing them each a basket.

"You'll be covering the North tower," she said brightly, "try to hide them as creatively as possible. And don't forget to come to dinner when you're done, because that's when we'll be announcing the game to the school!"

"Well this should be fun." Lily grinned over at him as they pushed their way out of the hidden door.

"Yep."

"Something the matter?" She eyed him closely.

"No. Everything's fine." Remus tried to sound as fine as possible, he smiled at her to prove his fine-ness, but he couldn't quite get the smile to reach his eyes.

"And I'm sure everything being 'fine' explains why I haven't seen you at meals the entire day and why Sirius looks more prickly than the whomping willow."

Remus sighed. "Sorry...I just don't feel like talking about it." Trying to change tack, he turned the conversation on her. "You seem awfully chummy with James lately."

To his satisfaction, she blushed.

"We're just friends. I really do think he's changed though. We can carry on a conversation for longer than five minutes without him mussing up his hair like a madman whenever a girl walks by."

They both laughed.

"James did say…" she trailed off, looking embarrassed. "Never mind."

"What?" Remus eyed her sharply, he hadn't had a proper conversation with James in the past two days. "What did he say?" He pressed.

"Nothing...just that," she bit her lip, "that...he thought something was going on between you and Sirius and he wasn't sure what to do."

"He doesn't have to _do_ anything because it's none of his business!" Remus snapped.

What if this ruined everything. What if James didn't want to be friends with either one of them because of this. Maybe he'd want to move out of their room. Stop talking to them entirely.

That was another fear. Ruining the marauders friendship over the miniscule chance that he and Sirius could make it work as something _more_.

Wasn't that already what was happening between him and Sirius? Love didn't mean much if it came at the expense of your friends.

They'd reached the North wing.

"What about hiding one behind the tapestry?" Lily said quietly, pulling a ball out from her basket and gesturing to a tapestry with stitched unicorns gamboling across it.

Remus nodded, and busied himself balancing another ball on top of a portrait frame.

He was sorry he'd snapped at her. Why did he keep pushing everyone away?

They spent the next twenty minutes in silence, hiding the globes under loose stones in the staircase, inside wall sconces, and tucked inside the helmet of an enchanted suit of armor who seemed to be excited to be included in the game.

"I'm sorry," Remus said softly as they made their way to the Great Hall for dinner.

Lily reached out and gently squeezed his hand, her eyes looked so kind that Remus didn't want to look at her for any longer. He glanced down at the floor.

"If you ever want to talk about anything, I'm here."

"Thanks." He squeezed her hand back before dropping it.

He glanced up, and spotted Sirius and James already at the Gryffindor table. Sirius's eyes met his across the hall before immediately looking away.

"I…" he tried to think of an excuse to get out of dinner, "I forgot something in the North wing. I'll go grab it now. Actually...I'll just meet you there after dinner for the hunt. By the unicorn tapestry."

"If you're sure…" her eyebrows had scrunched together with concern. "You know you could sit with me and my friends, don't you?"

"I'm sure." He said firmly, "Thanks anyway though." He walked quickly away, not looking back.

Being a prefect had a way of inconveniencing him at the worst possible moments, he thought, forty minutes later as he waited for Lily next to the tapestry.

He had no desire to be part of a giant scavenger hunt right now. To have to talk to people and be nice to the first years and paste on a smile. He'd rather be in bed with the covers pulled over his head. He'd be safe there.

"Hi." Lily walked towards him, "People should be here in a few minutes. Mathilda's just explaining the rules to everyone now."

"James wanted to know where you were by the way."

Remus remained silent.

"He asked me if you'd been avoiding him," she eyed him, "I told him I didn't think so. But...maybe you should talk with him.

Remus was saved the trouble of responding when a first year boy rounded the corner, nearly plowing into them.

"I found prefects!" the boy called excitedly over his shoulder, "that must mean there's some hidden near here!"

In a moment, the hall was crowded with students, checking behind portraits, knocking on wall panels.

"_Revealio!_" a Ravenclaw girl waved her wand confidently, then looked disappointed when nothing happened.

"I know where one's hidden but I'm not telling!" Peeves floated past, taunting a student who was crawling along the floor and peering into heating grates.

"Let's split up," Remus suggested. They'd hidden globes across the entire wing, not just this hallway, "I'll take the third and fourth floor and you take fifth and sixth."

Lily nodded and left, Remus headed up to the next floor.

In the next half hour, Remus broke up a scuffle between a Hufflepuff and a Ravenclaw over who had tagged an orb first (they seemed to have tied, as the globe had turned an interesting shade of bluish yellow), and rescued another student who'd tried to levitate himself up to a chandelier to grab the orb perched on top, but had accidentally snagged his robes on one of the brackets and was dangling helplessly. He'd also found Mrs. Norris trotting away triumphantly with one of the orbs in her mouth, but he'd snatched it away from her and re-hid it, despite her hissing.

He wondered how Lily was doing. Maybe he'd go check on her.

He trudged up the staircase, pausing at the landing so that the next moving set of steps could slide into place.

He turned down the fifth floor corridor. It was quiet here. He could hear Lily's voice faintly from down the hallway. He followed it, the torches flickering softly against the stone walls.

Was she _yelling_ at someone?

He turned the corner and stopped.

Severus Snape was standing in front of her, a glowing green orb clutched, forgotten, in his hand.

Lily looked angry, "I _told_ you Severus this isn't the time or place to talk about this. Besides, we _have_ talked about this. There's nothing left to say. We've gone our separate paths. Taken too many steps away from where we started together. I've accepted it and it's time you did too."

"Lily..._please_," Severus's voice was low and pleading, "how many times can I tell you I'm sorry? We can be different and still be friends…" he trailed off, he'd noticed Remus.

Lily turned, "Remus!" She looked relieved, "C'mon, let's go to the fourth floor." She marched away down the corridor.

Remus followed her, stealing one last glance at Severus as he left.

Severus was still standing in the same spot, his shoulders slumped over. The flickering torchlight illuminated his face for a moment. He looked anguished. A little bit broken. He reminded Remus of...himself.

He pushed the thought out of his mind as he followed Lily up the staircase, a herd of chattering Ravenclaws rushing past them. Severus Snape wasn't his responsibility to worry about.

An hour later, the hunt was winding down, they were in the last few minutes. Most of the orbs had already been found.

"Do you want to go check the sixth floor one last time?" Lily asked him quietly. She'd been reserved and distant ever since her argument with Snape. "I don't think there's any left up there, but…" she shrugged.

"Yeah, of course," Remus hastily agreed, heading off towards the staircase.

The corridor was quiet. He headed towards the far end. Maybe he had enough time…yes…he had time, he could go up to the astronomy tower and grab a quiet moment for himself. It was another one of his favorite places in the school. On a clear night like tonight, he'd be able to see all the stars. Remus liked star gazing.

He had nearly reached the door leading up to the tower when he bumped into something invisible.

"Ouch!"

Someone.

Remus rubbed his shoulder and glanced around the hallway, making sure it was still empty, "James?" he hissed, peering blindly at the space in front of him.

James's head suddenly appeared. He was wearing his invisibility cloak.

"Moony!" He grinned, "about time you joined us."

"Us?" Remus glanced around, heart thudding, but he didn't see Sirius anywhere.

James tilted his head towards the stairs to the astronomy tower, "Padfoot thought it was getting a bit too boring around here. He asked me to keep watch while he livens things up."

"What's he planning on doing?" Remus asked skeptically. Sirius still had three detentions left with McGonagall after he'd let loose a cage full of pixies in the Gryffindor common room last month

"Fireworks," James grinned mischievously, "he practically bought out Zonkos last time we were there. Said he's been saving them for a special occasion and this is it."

"Fireworks?" Remus hissed angrily.

"Yeah, why…something the matter with that?" James was looking worriedly at the expression on Remus's face, "it's just a prank Moony. It's not doing any harm."

"It is not just a prank!" Remus almost yelled, "did you forget that he's already had two warnings this month for improper use of magic outside of class? Filch said if he catches him and he gets a third warning, they're writing to his parents. _Again_!"

"So?" James said uncertainly, "it's not like they can come down here. We're all stuck in the castle."

"It doesn't matter!" Remus was definitely shouting now. "Sirius has to go home eventually! He always has to go home eventually and face them! And I don't want it to be any worse for him than it already is!"

He shoved past James, taking the steps to the tower two at a time.

He pushed open the door at the top, bursting into the cold night air.

Where was Sirius? He had to stop him. Had to protect him.

_There._

Sitting with his legs dangling over the edge of the parapet, an open wooden crate balanced next to him.

"Sirius!"

He looked up, surprised, "Remus?" his expression instantly shifted to guarded. "What'r you doing here? Mathilda sent you to stop me?" He sounded taunting.

Remus didn't bother responding. He stalked over and wrenched the crate out of Sirius's grasp.

"You're being an idiot Sirius." he growled, "you know as well as I do that you're toeing the line as it is. Filch doesn't care that it's the holidays. He'd still write home to your parents."

"As if that's supposed to scare me." Sirius's lip curled mockingly, "I'm sure Avery's already given them a full report on me. I doubt I can become any more of a disappointment than I already am."

Sirius was perched on the very edge of the parapet, the wind ruffling his hair.

Remus suddenly felt very afraid.

"Sirius, get down from there."

"Why? Because you _care_ about me?" Sirius was shouting now. "Because you made it pretty clear that you don't!"

"That's not true and you know it!" Remus was also shouting. He grabbed Sirius's arm trying to tug him down. He was stronger than Sirius. He forgot about that sometimes.

Sirius tumbled off the ledge and onto the floor of the tower.

He lay there for a moment.

"Sirius?" Remus crouched next to him. Gently reached out to touch his shoulder.

Sirius sat up shoving his arm away, "Get OFF me Remus Lupin."

His eyes were bright with anger as he brushed snow off his robes and got to his feet. They were standing face to face again. It reminded Remus of yesterday in the forest. But everything felt so different between them now.

The wind howled, whipping their robes around them.

"Why are you like this? Why do you think it's your goddamn mission to interfere with my life?" Sirius shouted at him.

"Because I'm you're _friend_!" Remus felt anger pounding in his chest. "Because if I don't do this for you no one else will!"

"Maybe no one needs to do this for me." Sirius said coldly.

"So I should just sit back and let you dig your own grave in some desperate bid for attention?" He was so angry. He'd never felt so angry at Sirius.

"Why do you care if I get attention?" Sirius sneered, his black eyes glinting, "scared someone else is going to fall for me and you'll end up alone? You pretend you like sitting alone in the library all day, but I'm not an idiot. You're just afraid. Afraid of everything and everyone."

"Maybe you're the one who's afraid!" Remus was yelling now, Sirius's words had stung deeply, "Every time you pull a stupid, half-thought out prank it's a cry for help! Because you'd rather have your parents hate you then ignore you!"

"SHUT UP!" Sirius roared, his eyes blazing, "YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!"

For a terrible moment, Remus thought Sirius was going to punch him.

But then, like a candle blowing out, the anger vanished from Sirius's face. With a blank look in his eyes, Sirius turned on his heel and marched down the stairs.

Remus felt empty. He'd never shouted at Sirius like that before. It was like he'd taken what he knew about Sirius and thrown it at him in the way he'd known would hurt the most.

The closer Sirius let Remus get to him, the more dangerous Remus became. He needed to stay far away.

Blinking back tears of anger, Remus took a shuddering breath and glanced up at the sky.

The stars _were_ bright tonight. So was the moon. It was nearly full. Mocking him.


End file.
